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A Place for Help & Comfort
What do you do when your child dies? How do you deal with the pain of losing a spouse and the impossible task of having to tell your kids what's happened? Where do you turn to for help and comfort at a time of deepest grief? Many in our area are finding their lifeline at Hearts & Crafts Counseling. Helping to mend hearts and rebuild lives one person or family at a time, it is a safe and welcoming refuge in Ramsey, New Jersey, where families who have had a death or a life-chaning loss can go to find sympathy and support.
Hearts & Crafts Counseling is a labor of love for founder Laura Hudson and partner Terry DeBrule. Laura, a counselor with degrees in art therapy,psychology,and education, started Hearts & Crafts Counseling in 1994 with Charles Lochner. When he retired and relocated, Terry, a social worker who'd worked in a variety of hospital and family service agency situations, came aboard in 1997, concentrating on facilitating support groups for grieving parents,widows,and families of suicide deaths.
"Our hearts were really into helping others who had a broken heart," Laura says. "We had the gifts of art, music, and a caring listening ear to help us guide our clients through a difficult time in their lives. We wanted our name to be fun and to reflect the atmosphere here, so people would not be afraid to call and ask for support and advice. Sometimes the hardest thing for grieving families is to pick up the phone that first time to ask for help."
Yet reaching out and asking for help, and finding a hand outstretched to offer what's needed are what it's all about. "This is a story of fate and good fortune," affirms Terry as she relates how Hearts & Crafts, previously located in Suffern, New York, found it's new home in Ramsey. "It's a story of individuals coming together to create a rich community resource. A benefactor stepped in simply because he believed in the good works of Hearts & Crafts and knew he had the means to help make it happen."
In this case, the Good Samaritan was Montvale business owner Rob Lazarowitz. Terry, also a Montvale resident, first approached him because she was looking for a donation of toys for a special Hearts & Crafts event. Shortly after, Rob arranged and paid for one hundred children and parents to enjoy a shopping spree and Ferris wheel rides at the mega Toys R Us in Manhattan. The November outing came right in time to add a big infusion of cheer as the difficult holiday times loomed.
The more Rob learned about the special work Laura and Terry were doing, the more he wanted to help. This sensitive man, who the ladies later learned had lost his own mother at a young age, seemed to empathize with the sense of loss of Hearts & Crafts' clients. Describing his connection with Hearts & Crafts as a "healing experience" and "a gift" to him, he has continued to contribute richly, sharing not only financial support but business know-how and personnel as well.
"I lost a parent when I was 16, but I wasn't lucky enough to have a place like Hearts & Crafts to go to," Rob says. "In hindsight, I realize how such an opportunity would have helped me. So now that I'm fortunate enough to be in a position to help others get the chance to heal, I feel privileged to do it. These are phenominal women doing an incredible thing, and I'm behind them and the charity 100 percent. It's very important to me to give back, help my community and connect with people."
Today, Hearts & Crafts is flourishing in its new home and so are the families who go there. The children enjoy their time with Laura, who's great at engaging them in fun activities and crafts while speaking with them about ways to cope with their grief. Meanwhile, upstairs in the loft of the charming carriage house, parents make themselves at home sipping coffee and nibbling home-made cookies while Terry provides individual counseling or facilitates the adult support groups.
"The atmosphere is relaxed and welcoming, putting at ease people who may be uncomfortable with clinical settings such as hospitals and doctor's offices," Terry notes. Adults and children alike lounge in the waiting room's homey couch and rocking chairs as they listen to music or read magazines while kids draw on the giant blackboard wall. The door of the bright and cheery children's room is decorated each month with a new welcoming guardian angel and you can always find a picture of a friendly monster or two around with the message that grief is not a monster to hide from. And let's not forget the punching bag the kids love to use.
Clients, who range in age from four to 99, receive both individual counseling and support groups. Coming from Bergen, Rockland, and surrounding areas, they are referred mostly by schools and other families who have benefited from Hearts & Crafts services. All are welcomed; no one is turned away. Hearts & Crafts, which received its nonprofit status this year, provides sliding scale fees, payment plans and scholarships.
The children's program is based on an Art Therapy Model, which incorporates art, music, play, drama and a compassionate ear. Some families attend both individual and group sessions. Groups run ten weeks; each child's support group has a simultaneous parent/adult group where adults are free to express their own sorrow as well as to receive help in dealing with their child's grief. At times the adult groups join the children's groups for joint sessions. The length and frequency of treatment available is open-ended. Families have maintained contact with Hearts & Crafts for years, making use of its services as the need arises.
"Whenever they are ready to reach out for help, we are here for them," Terry says. "Many times, families will seek counseling when a parent is diagnosed with a life threatening illness. We will help the family cope with the challenges and changes that illness brings to the family. We will continue to see the family after the parent has died. Sometimes clients come to us immediately following a death in the family, sometimes a year or more will pass before they are ready to reach out. Each family's situation is unique, and we tailor our approach to meet their individual needs."
Imagine being away on vacation celebrating your tenth wedding anniversery with your loving husband by your side. Then, unexpectedly, he suffers a massive stroke and dies. Battling with your own shock and grief, you must go home to your two sons and help them through the devaststating loss as well. This is exaxly what happened to Suzanne M. and her two sons, Sam, now 11 and Noah, now 7, during the fateful time in in March of 2001 that would leave their lives irrevocably altered.
"It was all so new and overwhelming," Suzanne says of the experience. "I could hardly get the words out in my group, but it was good to just be there and hear other people; to see that we weren't the only ones going through this. Being with other kids who had lost a parent really helped my oldest son who was seven at the time. My youngest son, three then, could talk about his father; we'd be out at the checkout line and he'd be telling people his dad had died. But Sam didn't want to talk about it; he shut himself up; he didn't even want people to know his father had died because he didn't want to be different. Going to Hearts & Crafts helped him open up and share what he was feeling with others who were going through similar situations and emotions.
"There are so few places in our society that deal with grief," Suzanne continues. "We were lucky to find Hearts & Crafts. Laura and Terry are amazing people. It is wonderful to know that there are such caring individuals in the world. That has been so important to our family - knowing we're not alone, and that it's OK to rely on others for help, somthing which I'd never been much at good at before."
Dee S. and her daughter, Jackie,11, first went to Hearts & Crafts when Jackie was eight. Jackie's father and Dee's ex-husband was struggling with diabetes. He was suffering from kidney failure and vision problems, and ultimately had both legs amputated shortly before his death. "I remember her coming home from his house one weekend crying and asking 'what if daddy dies?" Dee recounts. "I didn't know how to answer that, but I knew that the time was coming when we have to face this. My daughter was literally watching her father die before her eyes; we all were."
Daughter and mother both found what they needed at Hearts & Crafts. "It was without a doubt the best thing I ever did for my daughter, and for myself actually. Laura was amazing with Jacqueline. She was someone Jacqueline could talk with and say anything to; she provided a safe place where my daughter could feel she wasn't different or being judged. She could say things to Laura that she couldn't say to me or to a friend. Through art and projects, Laura was able to help Jacqueline express her feelings,and, when the time came, to remember and cherish her father.
"As for me, I was so focused on getting Jacqueline through it all the intensity of my own feelings took me by surprise," continues Dee, explaining that although happily remarried to a wonderful and supportive husband who is also a great stepfather, she had made peace with her ex-husband at the end. "When he passed away, I really struggled that first year. I went for adult counseling with Terry and she helped me deal with everything. I can't say enough positive things about Laura and Terry. They are so wonderful and care so much!"
"Laura and Terry are amazing," agrees Jackie. "It was really hard when daddy died, but going there helped me so much. As soon as I walked in, Laura was so friendly. I didn't know what to do or what to say. You just have to believe that things will get better. Hearts & Crafts and the people I met there taught me how to deal with the pain. Now, I feel more comfortable talking about my daddy to people. I'm able to tell stories about him without feeling bad; it doesn't hurt as much."
"It's a privilege to be invited in to people's lives at such a vulnerable time to work in partnership with them as they grieve the loss of a loved one," Terry confides. Even more moving, she notes, is realizing the lasting impact you've had, especially when you feared you might have failed. "Several years ago, a young dad joined a bereavement support group at Hearts & Crafts following the death of his wife to cancer," Terry recollects. "He brought his nine-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter to be a part of the children's support group with Laura. He was a corporate dad who would arrive in his suit and always seemed reserved and quiet in the adult group. I often found myself wondering if he was benefiting from the group as much as the others who seemed to participate more. After attending the group for many months, they moved out of the area. We did not hear from them for years. One day Laura told me to listen to the message tape at work. This father had called to tell us that not a day went by without his thinking about all the help Laura and I had given him and his children while they attended Hearts & Crafts. He called to make sure we knew how appreciative he was and that the family was thriving. Both Laura and I were in tears."
Clearly, the feeling of connectedness extends well beyond the confines of the carriage house. Besides its traditional counseling services, Hearts & Crafts also offers many special events throughout the year, including a teen camp, potluck dinners, holiday programs, an adult retreat and the popular Camp Grief Busters, which brings Hearts & Crafts families together in the spirit of fun, friendship and sharing for a weekend in the summer.
This past June marked the third year Jackie and her mom and stepdad have atteneded Camp Grief Busters. Suzanne and her two boys were also enthusiastic returnees. And there are many more families like them, all of whom look forward to the overnight event that features laughter, tears and the chance to reunite with old friends. It's a time of regenerative healing that manages to combine boisterous camp-like games and activities with moving touches like a slide show of loved ones and a candle-lighting ceremony to help keep memories alive by honoring those who have gone in a life-affirming way.
At this point, Laura and Terry comprise the entire staff, but they do have many dedicated volunteers. "Recently we have had several children who used our services when they were younger come back to us as volunteers," Laura explains. "They wanted to be involved with Hearts & Crafts in a new way by helping others. It had been a wonderful gift to us to see these children grow up and lead happy lives; lives where they felt so confident with their own grief that they could help us to help others.
"When I look back on how many children and families we have helped at Hearts & Crafts," Laura marvels, "I can't believe it. I think that is their gift to us- knowing we made a difference in so many people's lives."
(written by Nayda Rondon; managing editor of BC The Magazine)
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Bereaved kids find they're not alone
By JANE LERNER
jlerner@thejournalnews.com
THE JOURNAL NEWS
(Original publication: June 12, 2005)
STONY POINT — Bob the monster was 10 feet tall and clutched a handful of heart-shaped balloons, each bearing the name of a deceased but much loved mom, dad, brother or sister.
The cardboard monster created out of bits and pieces of junk was made yesterday by 37 children who know all too well what it feels like to lose a loved one.
The children, who named their creation "Bob," were participating in the eighth annual Camp Grief Busters, a two-day retreat for youngsters who have lost parents or siblings.
"The grief monster is our mascot," said Terry DeBrule, a social worker at Hearts & Crafts, a Ramsey, N.J., counseling center that specializes in helping children and families deal with loss. "It teaches us that grief is not something to be afraid of or hide from."
Children spent the day playing kickball, having scavenger hunts, making ice-cream sundaes and doing other activities commonly found in camp.
But they also participated in events designed to help them channel their grief and acknowledge their sense of loss, including a candle ceremony and memory walk.
The camp gives children who have experienced a profound loss the opportunity to meet other youngster who had a similar experience.
"It helps them to know that there are other kids who have lost a parent," said Heather Frame of Orangeburg, who attended the camp with her two sons, Ryan, 12, and Dillon, 10. "They don't feel as alone in their grief."
Frame's husband, Richard, died in March 2002.
The two-day event also teaches children that it is all right to talk about their deceased parents or siblings.
"It's a way to keep their memory alive," said Charlotte Ryan of Paramus, N.J., who founded the program in memory of her daughter, Erin Ryan O'Grady, who died unexpectedly at age 28.
"The message is: Don't bottle up your grief," Ryan said. "Let it out."
Copyright 2005 The Journal News, a Gannett Co. Inc. newspaper serving Westchester, Rockland and Putnam Counties in New York. Use of this site signifies your agreement to the Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, updated June 7, 2005.
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